When he saw the flashing lights and heard the alarming whirs of the police siren behind him, James Miller must have known this wasn't going to be his night.

But little did he know that in a few short days he would be the inaugural holder of the Asylum Criminal Idiocy title.

Police first had suspicions all was not right with the driver, when they noticed him weaving the wrong way down a one way street. Given that this was 1:30 on a Sunday morning and he didn't have the headlights on, the boys-in-blue didn't exactly need the deductive powers of DI Burnside to realise our man was someone worth stopping. More after the jump.



But it was only after pulling him over that the full glory of Ohio student James' stupidity was revealed. When the officers walked to the side of his car they predictably saw a half drunk can of Bud Light sat next to him and the 'remains' of a case of beer in the passenger seat.

Yet it wasn't either of these - or the speed with which James was throwing chewing gum into his mouth - which got their attention, that honour was reserved for the giant breathalyser costume our young drunk driver was wearing.

Despite claims he hadn't been drinking, a wobbly-footed James got out, allowing the cops to get a closer look at the 3ft foam costume which featured a dial with three levels of drunkenness: Boring (green), Life of the Party (yellow), and Sotally Tober (red). There was also a dubious "Blow Here" tube, placed strategically in front of his genitals.

At the cop shop it emerged he was almost twice the legal limit as he received charges of underage drinking and driving under the influence of alcohol.
RUNNERS UP

Burglars disguise faces with permanent marker

More fun with mug shots now, this time a pair of bungling burglars who tried to hide their identity by scribbling over their faces in permanent marker pens. Yes, permanent marker pens.

Dunces, Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller, had planned to rob an apartment in Iowa and knew they needed to do something to disguise their faces should they get spotted.

But rather than buy a mask from a store (this was around Halloween) or slip their girlfriends' tights over their heads, they decided to go the ink route and draw beards and masks on themselves.

This obviously meant that after getting spotted breaking in - there was no way this duo were going to be bright enough not to be seen - they were a fairly easy catch for cops who saw them driving around while drunk.

When police pulled over their 1994 Buick Roadmaster, dumb and dumber were taken down town.


Cross-dressing widower used dead wife's ID to visit gym

In a bizarre bid to meet more women, or maybe because he was too tight to pay for himself, a Chinese widower dressed in women's clothes and used his dead wife's gym membership to get into the women-only section of a gym.

51-year-old Lau Siu-wah is said to have turned up at the Sheraton Hotel gym in Hong Kong wearing women's clothes - topped off with red nail polish - and used the membership card of his dead wife, to get in.

He then proceeded to the female-only section where he started working out. But other gym-goers noticed his odd appearance and told gym bosses, who in turn called police.