There are a lot of unwritten expectations out there in the world for guys. People expect us to be able to throw a baseball, drive a stick shift, tie a tie, sleep with the lights off, carve a turkey and defuse a bomb with a pair of needle-nose pliers. But what about the old axiom that a guy always picks up the check? If you are a guy and reading this, I hate to break it to you, but there are not too many free meals or free drinks in your future. By and large, guys are supposed to pay. But are there exceptions?
On Your Birthday
A birthday is about the only logical day in the year when a guy shouldn't have to pay. This is assuming you are not married and don't have kids. Each one of those steps in life is farther away from getting anything free, even in the already limited "free zone" of maybe once a year. Strike that, having kids isn't a "step," it is a supersonic plane ride to the "nothing-is-ever-free zone." Unless you have way too many kids and get your own reality TV show. So once a year, maybe, you'll be able to keep the ATM card in your wallet.
Keep reading for more suggestions on how to navigate those tricky check situations with the utmost manliness.
Dinner With the 'Rents
You may be able to bilk your parents into some free meals. But that all depends on the relationship you have with your parents. That is a different article for a much more complicated and different day with prescribed antidepressants and lots of bourbon.
On a First Date With a Girl
Argh! She orders a 5-lb. lobster and you order saltines with mustard, but you're still paying? Damn it, that stings. But it is the price of being a man. Men get to start wars and make fun of the WNBA; meanwhile women get free meals and drinks. It's an even trade.
On a Date With Your Girlfriend
There is the possibility that if you have a girlfriend that she may treat some random day as your birthday and buy you a meal, but don't count on this happening often. It's in the social contract that we're supposed to pay for first dates, second dates, all the dates and when-the-relationship-gets-real-monotonous-and they-are-not-even-dates-anymore-because-she-is-wearing-sweatpants-and-has-no-makeup-on dates.
Out With a Guy Friend
Mano y mano is what you would expect: to each his own. I pay for what I bought and you pay for what you bought. Guys dining and guys paying for drinks are very pragmatic situations. If you feel like being "generous" and buy your buddy a drink then your buddy should buy you one back. Essentially, this still comes down to you buying for yourself.
When Using Credit Cards
Things only get complicated if you are both paying with plastic. At this point, you should just split the check in simple fractions. This can be amended if one guy has ordered food while the other hasn't or one guy was doing $8 whisky and cokes while the other was just doing $3 beers. If there is a great disparity in how much you owe then you'll have to do some long division. Aside from that, split the check. No guy should be squabbling over a couple dollars. All guys should be one defining moment away from living in the woods wearing leather clothes and surviving off the land.
If you're reading this article thinking, I can't pay for two meals at restaurant Chez Francaise, then don't go to Chez Francaise. If your means can only afford two Happy Meals, then you can either a) get a better job, or b) find a girl who is really comfortable with the drive-thru menu. Unless you want to be the one wearing high heels and makeup, you just have to get comfortable paying.
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